The Globe Challenge

by Warren Clements

The Toronto Globe and Mail

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Some challenges seeing Loser ink in 1998:

12/5/98: first drafts of titles, quotations or proverbs that didn't quite click.

"A thing of beauty is, like, really swell."
La Fontaine's Stories About Talking Animals That Are Really About People.
Sandra Hull, Arlington, Va.

"What we have here is the inability to openly share our feelings in a non-threatening way."
Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

11/21/98: more appropriate lines of work for famous people, taking a cue from their names.
Thor Heyerdahl: strip-club operator.
Prince Rainier: weather forecaster.
B. B. King: pellet-gun manufacturer.
Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

Grace Slick: presidential spokeswoman.
Salman Rushdie: fresh-fish express delivery service.
Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

11/14/98: compose a phrase with three words -- the first a real name, and the second a bridge between the first and third (as in Pol Pot pie) and define the result.
John Milton Bradley: creator of board game Pair of Dice Lost.
Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

Earl Warren Beatty: Supreme Courter
J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.

10/31/98: two-line rhymes about any bug or insect
That savvy spider is nobody's fool.
He was on the web before it was cool.

Sandra Hull, Arlington, Va.

10/24/98: lines you would prefer not to hear
"Raisins? Raisins don't have wings."
"That table we sold at our yard sale was auctioned off for $50,000 at Sotheby's."
"Mommy, a nice man traded me a Beanie Baby for your pearl necklace"
"It appears that you could tie the world record for multiple births."
Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

10/10/98: devise a line that might be offered by a really dumb manager:
"Managers conducting performance evaluations should note that compensation and performance are not related."
Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

10/3/98: "Another mouth-watering assortment" of rhyming words that describe a novel gustatory combination:
Brew 'n' moo: beer and a very rare burger.
Jennifer Hart, Arlington, Va.

9/5/98: Write an appropriate announcement for a gathering of like minds:
The Psychic Hotline Alumni Association will hold their monthly meeting soon. If you can't figure out where and when, you are disbarred.
Dave Ferry, Leesburg, Va.

8/8/98: Devise similes that might, who knows, turn out to be cliches as enduring as "mad as a hatter" or "cool as a cucumber":
About as secret as Victoria.
Happy as two gigs in a RAM.
Easy as grease rolling off a slice of pizza.
Obvious as Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
Faster than a speeding bullet train.
Common as chips in chocolate.

Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

7/25/98: suggest bad dreams that certain people might have had the night before:
Marcel Marceau woke up screaming from a nightmare.
Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y. (return after a month's absence)

Jack Kevorkian dreamed he had manned a suicide hotline.
Mario Andretti dreamed he was strapped into a Yugo.

Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md. or Saigon

7/18/98: In the tradition of surf 'n' turf, suggest a novel gustatory combination and offer a brief explanation:
Perk 'n' Jerk: coffee and dried beef.
Pig 'n' fig: glazed ham when pineapple is out of season.
Mouse 'n' souse: picked pork ordered via the Internet.

Bill Strider, Gaithersburg, Md - The Winner!

Sizzle 'n' chisel: steak left on the grill way too long.
Baste 'n' waste: serving gourmet food to a cranky toddler.

Jennifer Hart, Arlington, Va.

7/4/98: More statements that, when delivered to a receptionist, are almost certain to get someone on the phone immediately:
"A news crew would like to film the crater at his home address."
"Ask him if he wants the whips, nipple clamps and leather hoods charged to his Visa or Mastercard account."
Stephen "I Am Not a Pervert" Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

6/27/98: "Another fine batch" of two-line verses in praise of an ordinary item too often taken for granted.
Would I have friends without my soap?

Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

6/13/98: Compose a two-line verse in praise of an ordinary item too often taken for granted.
To the coffee cup I sing a psalm
Java hurts when sipped from my palm

Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

6/6/98: What motivates people to get up in the morning?
The Pillsbury Doughboy rises to make some bread.
Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

Julia Child wants to see what's cookin'.
Paul Kocak, Syracuse, NY

5/16/98: Signs your spouse is cheating on you:
She asks you to keep the poolboy on payroll through the winter, in case there's a thaw.
Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

He takes the dog for a "walk" during the Sports Illustrated swimsuit TV special.
He smiles knowingly when you serve quiche "lorraine"

Dave Ferry, Potomac, Md.

When you make love, she accidently calls you "Mr. President"
Dave Zarrow, Herndon, Va.

5/9/98: Name and describe a new fragrance.
Eau Canada: glorious and free (limit: one per customer, please)
Paternity for Men: the father of all perfumes
Exorcist: sure to turn heads

Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

5/2/98: Suggest a statement that, delivered to a receptionist, is almost certain to get someone on the phone immediately.
"Someone from the Gay Alliance wants to set up an interview for a cover story in Outed Executive magazine."
Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

"Ask her if she remembers anyone taking pictures of her dancing on the table with the CEO at last year's Christmas gala."
Paul Kocak, Syracuse, NY

"Does she happen to know her dog's blood type?"
Bill Strider, Gaithersburg, Md.

4/18/98: A supplement to an earlier contest to amend the title of a well-known book, play or movie to cater to people busy with home improvements:
Sofa's Choice
A Farewell to Armoires

R. Gorby, Los Angeles CA

4/11/98: A supplement to an earlier contest on defining a person whose name is altered by a one-letter addition:
Caint: murderer of the English language
Peve: first PMS sufferer

Kevin Mellema, Falls Church, VA

4/4/98: Amend the title of a well-known book, play or movie to cater to people busy with home improvements:
The Road Less Gravelled
Adam Smith's An Inquiry Into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Contractors

Kevin Mellema, Falls Church, VA

Mary, Queen of Wainscots
Dead Man Caulking

Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA

3/28/98: Suggest appropriate ways in which certain well-known people might meet their maker:
Leonardo DiCaprio: drops dead gorgeous
Dan Quayle: succumbs after a bad spell

Sandra Hull, Arlington VA

3/21/98: Define a person -- real or fictional, past or present -- whose name is altered by a one-letter addition:
Carl Jungl, animal psychologist
Gunga Dine, Indian restaurant critic

Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring MD

3/7/98: Suggest questions about what lies beyond the 2000 horizon:
Will we find Utopia or Mypoia or Me-my-mine-opia?
Paul Kocak, Syracuse, NY

2/28/98: Help the British or U.S. tabloids find new ways to put a headline or longer subhead on the latest tale of Winnie the Pooh:
"Now Is the Winnie of Our Discontent!"
-- Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse NY

2/21/98: invert or otherwise modify a proverb to reverse, alter or pervert its meaning:
The goose is good for the gander
No bad deed shall go unpublished
If at first you don't succeed, fail, fail again

-- Kevin Mellema, Falls Church VA

Don't burn your britches behind you
He who palpitates has lust.

-- Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse NY

1/31/98: suggest ways you can tell that your job is less secure than you thought:
A lateral move would have the title "Postage Meter."
The new budget lists your salary under "temporary help."

-- Jean Sorensen, Herndon VA

1/24/98: Suggest new uses for old adjectives:
If a Jehovah's Witness lost his pamphlets, would he be distracted?
If your roommate gets asked out more than you do, are you outdated?
If you lose several inches from your waistline but gain it all back, are you rebellious?

-- Sandra Hull, Arlington VA

1/17/98: Complete the thought: How naïve was he (or she)?
He thought "let's be friends" meant "let's be friends."
He attended a Madonna concert expecting Gregorian chant and Fra Angelico
She thought local TV news anchors were hired for their news judgment
They thought their kids were actually using the Internet for homework."

-- Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse, NY - The Winner!

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