New York Magazine
Competition

by Mary Ann Madden

Some competitions seeing Loser ink in 1998:
  • Competition # 926 (12/21-28/98 issue), Olympic events of the future
    CROSS-COUNTRY REINDEER TRIPPING
    --Mary Olson, Springfield, Va. - 1st prize!

    SPEED CHEMICAL PEELING
    --Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.

    THE LONG-DISTANCE LOOFAH TOSS
    --Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax, Va.

    OPERA SHUSHING
    --Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.

    HAMILL CAMEL RACING
    --Jan Verrey, Alexandria, Va.

    SUBPOENA-DODGING SLALOM
    --Jessica L. Mathews, Arlington, Va.

  • Competition # 925 (12/14/98 issue), Good News/Bad News or Bad News/Good News
    "Your aunt left her entire estate to you."
    "I hope you're not allergic to cats."
    --Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.

    "Your test results came back negative..."
    "... your SATs."
    --Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

  • Competition # 924 (11/30/98 issue), 55-word stories.
    Walter was usually at SureFood when it opened. He would watch robust clerks slit open boxes, fill shelves, and rehash ballgames. Often he observed the butchers as they set out chickens. Sometimes he took home a salad with two packets of crackers. After he walked his dog he went downstairs and worked on the bomb.
    --Mary Olson, Springfield Va. - Runner Up!

    As Hector slumped into his easy chair after a long day at the office, he was very tired. Very, very tired. He could barely stay awake. He was extremely fatigued; very, very, very, very very, very tired. But he needed to make a plan. He would not be caught unprepared again. Without planning ahead, he
    --- Michael J. Hammer, Arlington, Va.

  • Competition # 923 (11/23/98 issue), invented toll-free numbers.
    1-???-??????? -- Psychics Anonoymous hot line.
    --Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

    1-(111)-111-1111 -- the obsessive-compulsive-disorder hot line.
    --Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.

  • Competition # 922 (11/9/98 issue), a sullied but familiar name briefly described.
    LINDA VON TRIPP--member of the Von Tripp Family Singers who turned the rest over to the Nazis.
    --David Genser, Arlington, Va.

  • Competition # 921 (10/19/98 issue), hideous ideas for the "Above" instructions of a New York Magazine competition.
    Above, passages from the Koran, Bible, Torah, Bhagavad-Gita, and Prajnaparamita.  Competitors are invited to rewrite one in the style of Dr. Seuss.
    Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

  • Competition # 920 (10/5/98 issue), name products for the year to come.
    THE FORD INTANGIBLE -- Nothing can touch it.
    -- Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax, Va.

    KELLOGG'S RIT-O-LINS
    -- Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.

    MONISTAT MINUS ONE
    -- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.

  • Competition # 919 (9/14/98 issue), original redefinition for any familiar foreign phrase.
    sic semper tyrannis -- kill that smirking Barney.
    -- Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.

    dove sono? -- Whither the sonos of yesteryear?
    -- Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.

    tant mieux -- tease the cat.
    -- R. Gorby, Los Angeles, Calif.

  • Competition # 916 (8/10/98 issue), Fortunoff Cookies--a message found in a mall.
    DRAG YOUR CARCASS
    TO NEIMAN MARCUS.
    -- Jay Williams, Rockville, Md.  (a.k.a. Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

    THINK: WHERE DID YOU PARK THE CAR?
    -- Bill Strider, Gaithersburg, Md.  (a.k.a. Jay Williams, Rockville)

    EVEN CONFUCIUS DOES NOT REMEMBER WHERE YOU PARKED YOUR CAR.
    -- Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax, Va.

    THIS FORTUNE COOKIE HAS BEEN CARBON-DATED FOR FRESHNESS.
    -- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.

    ONLY FIVE MORE SHOPPING MONTHS TILL CHRISTMAS.
    -- Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

  • Competition # 915 (8/3/98 issue), a book, film, or play briefly described:
    S IS FOR PSYCHO -- another in a series by Sue Grafton. Murder and mayhem vex a former vice-president.
    -- Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.

    ICE STATION AZUZA -- cultural chill and international intrigue.
    -- Kevin Mellema, Falls Church, Va.

  • Competition # 914 (7/20/98 issue), original bumper stickers:
    HONK IF YOU LOVE CHEEZ-ITS
    -- Dave Ferry, Leesburg, Va.

    INNER CHILD ON BOARD
    -- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.

    EYES ON THE ROAD, PLEASE
    -- sp. ment. to Dave Zarrow, Herndon, Va.

  • Competition # 913 (7/13/98 issue), define a familiar name to which a single word is added:
    JAMES CAMERON SWAYZE -- spokesman for Titanic Timex: It takes a lickin' and keeps on sinkin'.
    -- Dave Ferry, Leesburg, Va.

    MARY, DRAG QUEEN OF SCOTS -- put the "gay" in Gaelic.
    -- Sandra Hull, Arlington, Va.

    OMAR KHAYYAM IAM -- Persian astronomer, poet: "Green Tents and Ham."
    -- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.

  • Competition # 912 (6/22/98 issue), invent and define goofy words:
    mshandle -- call a woman by the wrong name during intimacy.
    Hank Wallace, Washington, DC

    repocussion -- having to walk to work.
    -- Sandra Hull, Arlington, Va.

    limph -- to walk while lisping.
    -- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, NY

    near-do-well -- one who does the wrong thing for the right reason.
    --Kevin Mellema, Falls Church, Va.

  • Competition # 911 (6/15/98 issue), name up to four related characters and devise for them one or two opening lines:
    "Enter Mort Gage and his mistress, Grace Period, followed by Eve Icht, his wife ..."
    --Michelle Feeley, Arlington, Va.  (aka Sandra Hull, Arlington, Va.)

  • Competition # 910 (6/1/98 issue), samples of (1) What I Should've Said and (2) What I Said:
    1. "I just feel safer with it on."
    2. "The last thing I need is helmet hair."
    -- Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.

  • Competition # 909 (5/25/98 issue), original cartoon ideas:
    A squirrel is eating out of a bird feeder with a bib and spoon. One watcher says to another, "This one annoys the hell out of me."
    -- Mary Olson, Springfield, Va. -     RUNNER-UP!

    One of many bacteria is holding a phone. Another bacterium says, "Ignore him, he's just showing off his new cell phone."
    -- Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

    Two fire-breathing dragons looking at photos. One says, "Something's wrong with that camera -- every one of these has brown-eye."
    -- Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.

    Classroom full of geese. The teacher is standing in front of a blackboard with large V's written on it. Caption: Learning the goose alphabet.
    -- Bobby Sorensen, Herndon, Va.

  • Competition # 908 (5/11/98 issue), entries from a directory of services for the coming century:
    HOOKED ON CELLULAR PHONICS
    -- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, NY

  • Competition # 907 (5/3/98 issue), appropriate human names for non-humans:
    Ostrich Ames
    -- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.

    L. Gecko
    -- Bill Strider, Gaithersburg, Md.

    Lawrence W. Elk
    -- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

    William Marmoset Maugham
    -- Dave Zarrow, Herndon, Va.

  • Competition # 906 (4/21/98 issue), unappealing e-mail subject headings
    THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I COULD SAY THIS
    -- Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, IL     - WINNER!

    I'M A VIRUS (KIDDING! ;-))
    -- David Genser, Arlington, VA     - WINNER!

    VIRUS ALERT (4/1/98)
    -- Michael J. Hammer, Washington, DC

    SALLY STRUTHERS INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHTS
    -- Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, MD

    FWD:FWD:FWD: TOP 10 LAWYER JOKES
    -- Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.

  • Competition # 905 (4/14/98 issue), three versions of a random sentence:
    "She came at me in sections, like the cells, columns, and rows of her quivering electronic spreadsheet."
    "She undulated toward me, unhinging a hundred and one unfathered, ungodly fantasies I could ill afford."
    "She strode down the hall and handed me the invoice."
    -- Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse, NY

  • Competition # 903 (3/23/98 issue), "farewell performances"
    THE SPENTAGON
    -- Sandra Hull, Arlington, Va.

    THE CZECH, PLEASE, REPUBLIC
    -- Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

    GODSPEEDO
    -- Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md. (Finally!)

  • Competition # 902 (3/9/98 issue), names for new cable TV channels or networks
    THE NET WORTH NETWORK
    -- Paul Kondis, Alexandria, VA

    ALL ANDY HARDY ALL THE TIME
    -- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA

    LEFTIES!
    -- Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax, VA

    THE MOURNING SHOW
    -- Kevin Mellema, Falls Church, VA

  • Competition # 901 (3/2/98 issue), team names; real places, invented names
    The Voorhees (N.J.) Jolly Good Fellows
    -- Michael J. Hammer, Washington, D.C.

    The Boise II Men
    -- Jan Verrey, Alexandria, Va

    The Creighton Barrel
    -- Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.

    The Solvay (N.Y.) Reginas
    -- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

    The Algiers (Ill) Hiss
    -- R. Gorby, Bowie, MD

  • Competition # 900 (2/16/98 issue), ghastly book dedications
    This book is dedicated to me,
    because it is dedicated to my wife,
    who is dedicated to me.
    -- Joseph Romm, Washington, DC

  • Competition # 899 (2/9/98 issue), invented composite nouns, proper or not.
    Bloodhound + Retriever = BLABRADOR, a dog that barks all the time.
    -- Dave Ferry, Leesburg, Va     - RUNNER-UP!

  • Competition # 897 (1/12/98 issue), describe an event from Genesis in the style of a well-known individual.
    Today's project is an interesting one. We're going to build a woman. You won't need plans, but pay close attention because you can make mistakes. Have your materials and tools ready and follow along ... -- Bob Vila
    -- Jean Sorensen, Herndon VA

    Noah's dinosaurs must have sinked,
    Since all of them are now extinct. -- Ogden Nash
    -- Helene Haduch, Washington, DC

  • Competition # 896 (1/5/98 issue), items for a Catalogue for Men:
    CALL LATER -- perennial but seldom-activated telephone feature.
    -- Sue Lin Chong, Washington, DC

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