Some competitions seeing Loser ink in 1999:

Competition # 955 (12/20-27/99 issue) devise and define a word containing the contiguous letters SCAT.

REQUIESCATMAN -- Benjamin Sherman Crothers, 1910-1986. R.I.P.
--Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.

SCATTICA -- prison for people who don’t curb dogs.
--Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

Competition # 954 (12/6/99 issue) maladies for the millennium

CHRISOFILIA -- abnormal love or use of elephant dung.
--Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.

POST DRAMATIC DRESS DISORDER -- compulsive coverage of Christian Lacroix.
--(similarly): Sidney Tombaugh, Maplewood, N.J. (aka Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Competition # 953 (11/15/99 issue) opening words of a letter Mr. Allen would not fin...

Dear Mr. Alien: I was born in Roswell, New Mexico, on April 3, 1948, and raised in an orphanage.
--Dave Zarrow, Herndon, Va.

Dear Mr. Allen: Have you prepared yourself for the triumphant return of Mephistopheles, Dark Lord of the Urinals?
--Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

Competition # 952 (11/1/99 issue) name a new magazine.

DEAD POOL ILLUSTRATED
-- Dave Ferry, Leesburg, Va.

Competition # 951 (10/25/99 issue) brief smart-aleck reviews of familiar books, films, plays.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: Two thumbs off.
-- Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.

DR. STRANGELOVE: It's da bomb, stupid.
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

EDTV: The less Ed, the better.
-- Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.

Competition # 950 (10/18/99 issue) fanciful definitions for existing words beginning with the letter D:

duckbill - a dinner companion who skips to the loo when the check arrives; tightwaddle.
-- Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.

duplicity - n. Minneapolis-St. Paul
-- Bill Strider, Gaithersburg, Md.

Competition # 949 (10/4/99 issue) modern malapropisms:

I'm a big supporter of animal rides.
-- Chris Doyle, Burke, Va

He was rotten to the corpse.
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

He who hesitates is slaw.
-- Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.

The brick fist of champions.
-- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

Competition # 948 (9/20/99 issue) messages for two sides of a business or visiting card:

1. Turn card over to other side.
2. This is not the other side. Please turn over.
-- Zeno
-- Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

1. William Gates
2. Specializing in Computer Programming
-- sp. ment.: Sandra Hull, Arlington, Va.

1. René Magritte
2. Je ne suis pas René Magritte.
-- sp. ment.: Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.

Competition # 947 (9/13/99 issue) Unusual Greeting Cards.

TO A FINE HIT MAN
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, NY

SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER!
-- Dave Ferry, Leesburg, Va.

SORRY THEY DECIDED NOT TO RETIRE YOUR NUMBER
-- Bill Strider, Gaithersburg, Md.

WELCOME BACK, MESSIAH!
-- Sidney Tombaugh, Maplewood, N.J., aka Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

Competition # 946 (8/30/99 issue) in which you were asked for voice-over opening lines from An Adventure:

"Strange, I thought to myself, why would Russian MIGs buzz Central Park?"
-- Sidney Tombaugh, Maplewood, N.J., a.k.a. Stephen "Sucking Up to the New Yorkers" Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

"Poisonous vipers dropped from the ceiling. Their hissing filled the stone chamber, and I struggled with the ropes that bound my hands and feet. The Thugees had thought of everything. Almost everything. They had forgotten my Swiss Army knife."
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.

Competition # 945 (8/16/99 issue) in which you were asked to name a nonexistent rock group:

MAILER-DAEMON
-- Dave Zarrow, Herndon, Va.

MOUNT RUSHMORE
-- Sandra Hull, Arlington, Va.

METHANE
-- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

TANTRUM
-- Mary E. Olson, Falls Church, Va.

SELF-INFLICTED WOUNDS
-- Joseph Romm, Washington, D.C.

TAINTED DREAMS
-- Kevin Mellema, Falls Church, Va.

FEET FOR SOUP
-- Sarah W. Gaymon, Mitchellville, Md.

Competition # 944 (8/2/99 issue), famous FIRST words of a well-known person:

KAROL WOJTYLA: "So what's with the white smoke?"
-- Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

MUHAMMAD ALI: "I am the latest."
-- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

Competition # 943 (7/19/99 issue), new "designer" magazines:

DAY-TRADER CHIC
-- Dave Zarrow, Herndon, Va.

PAST LIVES ILLUSTRATED
-- Dave Ferry, Leesburg, Va

CELL-PHONE AFICIONADO
-- Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

REFUGEE LIFESTYLES
-- Sidney Tombaugh, Maplewood, N.J., aka Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

NATO ACCENTS
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, NY

CAULK AND GLOVE
-- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

YODA YADDA YADDA
-- Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, NY

Competition # 942 (6/28/99 - 7/5/99 issue), sequels to existing movies:

THE MIGHTY REDUCKS
-- Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.

THE GRAPES OF WRATH: DEUXIEME CRU
-- Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mt. Kisco, NY

LOOK WHO WON'T SHUT THE HELL UP
-- Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington, Va.

Competition # 941 (6/14/99 issue), titles (and perhaps cast) for summer movies:

Ben Stiller - Jennifer Aniston
BLAME IT ON BURBANK
-- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

Antonio Banderas - Jennifer Lopez
TIJUANA HEAT
Can you stand it?
-- Kitty Thuermer, Washington, DC

Mary, Rhoda, Mr. Grant-better than ever.
LOVE IS ALL AROUND
An animated film by Pixar.
-- Bob Sorensen, Herndon, Va.

Competition # 940 (5/31/99 issue), grounded summer-replacement TV pilots:

3RD SON FROM THE ROCK -- youngest child of a retired boxer follows in Dad's footsteps.
-- Kitty Thuermer, Washington D.C.

Competition # 939 (5/24/99 issue), an anagram of a familiar name and its definition, to contain one anagram as well:

MY OB DICK -- great white doctor who bit off a sea captain's gel.
-- Jessica Lynne Mathews, Arlington, Va.

CHARLES SADDAM -- macabre Iraqi cartoonist whose character Churl is a Republican Guard grunt.
-- Sid Tombaugh, Maplewood, N.J. (a.k.a. Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Competition # 938 (5/10/99 issue), urban or non-urban legends of the alligator-in-the-sewer variety:

Shortly before the Oscars, Roberto Benigni and his agent went into a Hollywood restaurant for lunch. Their waiter was astonished to overhear Benigni speaking in perfect English, with no accent.
-- Michael J. Hammer, Arlington, Va. - Winner!

Arcade games have been designed by aliens to determine who has the best of those skills they need for slave-labor tasks.
-- Jessica Lynne Mathews, Arlington, Va. - Runner-Up!

Most computer viruses are created secretly by the companies who market virus-protection software. This practice ensures continued demand for their products and earns them kudos for their ability to respond so quickly to new virus threats.
-- Bill Strider, Gaithersburg, Md. - Runner-Up!

An employee at a well-known natural-history museum kills his mother in a drunken rage and mummifies her body using techniques he learned on the job. He surreptitiously places the body in a museum diorama where it is displayed for years until his recent confession.
-- Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

For every copy of "Snow White" sold, Disney will donate 50 cents to provide human-growth-factor therapy to a child who can't afford it.
-- Sarah W. Gaymon, Mitchellville, Md.

Those computer-generated parallel lines on the bottom of processed pieces of mail contain a secret code denoting the precise hour of the recipient's death, as determined by the Social Security Administration to meet budgetary requirements.
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

Competition # 937 (5/3/99 issue), in which you were asked to invent titles for country songs:

"I'm Proud to Be an Okie Singin' Karaoke"
-- Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill. - Winner!

"If You Know Who I Am, Squeeze My Hand"
-- Mary Olson, Springfield, Va.

"I Sent You My Love Priority Overnight, but All I Got From You Was Second Day Air"
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

"Hay, Ewe!"
-- Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

Competition # 936 (4/19/99 issue), in which you were asked for "Near Miss" versions of people, places, phrases:

Bada bing baby boom!
-- Sue Lin Chong, Washington, D.C.

Stevedore Dali
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

Competition # 934 (3/29/99 issue), in which you were asked to supply the name of a made-for-television movie:

"Runway to Nowhere: The Rise and Fall of a Supermodel"
-- Bob Sorensen, Herndon, Va.

"Amy: Portrait of a Bungee-Jumping Vixen"
-- Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

"Touched by a Succubus"
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.

"I Was Bigfoot's Love Slave"
-- Jessica Lynne Mathews, Arlington, Va.

Competition # 933 (3/15/99 issue), in which you were asked to designate an inappropriate spokesperson for a well-known product or service:

"Jed Clampett for Ritz Crackers"
-- Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.

Competition # 932 (3/8/99 issue), in which you were asked to define familiar, mangled names:

"Jerry Garcia Marquez -- Deadhead, Nobel laureate."
-- Jessica L. Mathews, Arlington, Va.

Competition # 931 (2/15/99 issue), in which you were asked for items from an unpopular catalogue:

"The Norman Bates Little Taxidermist Kit" -- with starter squirrel.
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.

"Steel/Wool Slipper Socks" -- Reversible.
-- Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.

"Collectible Art" -- Wide-eyed Iraqi leaders on velvet.
-- Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

Competition # 930 (2/8/99 issue), in which you were asked for inevitable headlines for 1999:

MILLENNIUM TECHNICALLY BEGINS 1 JANUARY 2001
-- Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md. - Winner!

AGASSI UPSET IN EARLY ROUND
-- Greg Arnold, Herndon, Va.

HOUSE VOTE SPLITS ALONG PARTY LINES
-- Jessica Lynne Mathews, North Arlington, Va.

FALL NETWORK LINEUP DISAPPOINTS
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.

ECONOMY'S STRENGTH PUZZLES ECONOMISTS
-- David Genser, Arlington, Va.

CORRECTION
-- Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.

Competition # 929 (2/1/99 issue), invent the opening line from an interview with a famous person of fiction or fact:

Mr. Emil Gower, retired pharmacist, reminisces.
-- Mary Olson, Springfield, Va. - Runner-Up!

Surprisingly, Sly ordered vegetarian.
-- Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax, Va. - Runner-Up!

Competition # 928 (1/18/99 issue), foreign retranslations of American film titles:

"Meet Joe Black" - "Death Is a Pretty Boy"
--Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.

"Pride of the Yankees" - "Baseball Been Berry Berry Good To Me"
--Dave Ferry, Leesburg, Va.

"Batman" - "Flying Mouse Hero Man"
--Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.

"101 Dalmatians" - in Korean, "Many Tasty Puppies Will Not Be Eaten!"
--Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

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