sticks it in your

Ears No One Reads

yEar 5


Week 208:

If You Can Read This, Thank A Typesetter
3/9/97 Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Week 209:

Remember To Set Your Clocks Ahead One Hour In April
3/16/97 David Genser, Vienna)

Week 210:

Farenheit 458. Tougher Than Other Papers.
3/23/97 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 211:

Celebrating 50 years since 1947
3/30/97 John Kammer, Herndon)

Week 212:

Someday, I'll Be a Headline
4/6/97 Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Week 213:

The Walrus Was Madeleine Albright
4/13/97 John Kammer, Herndon)

Week 214:

Move Along, There Is Nothing to See Here
[compare with 4/7/96] 4/20/97 Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Week 215:

Please Don't Tell Katharine Graham About This
2/27/97 Jonathan Paul)

Week 216:

Dated Material: Open Immediately
5/4/97 David Genser, Vienna)

Week 217:

We Haven't Read This Stuff. Any Good?
5/11/97 David Genser, Vienna)

Week 218:

See? They Will Print Just About Anything
5/18/97 Russell Beland, Springfield)

Week 219:

'Aren't you glad the whole paper isn't printed this way?' (flowery font)
5/25/97 Russell Beland, Springfield)

Week 220:

Humor So Subtle Even We Don't Get It
6/1/97 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 221:

Forget You Ever Read This
6/8/97 Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Week 222:

This Is Outrageous! Alert the Ombudsman.
6/15/97 David Genser, Vienna, and Steve Knack, Bethesda)

Week 223:

I Dare You to Read This
6/22/97 David Curtis, Ijamsville)

Week 224:

Standard Disclaimer Here
6/29/97 The Faerie of the Fine Print is pretty tired of thanking people for their Ears. What kind of job is that? I might as well be emptying the porta-potties at construction sites. Jennifer Hart of Arlington, okay? Big honking deal.)

Week 225:

Bite This, Mike
7/6/97 The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to apologize for last week's unprofessional, embittered outburst and to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for blowing it out his ear or something, plus what kind of name is "Dudzik," I mean why not just name yourself Stephen Von Loser, or Stephen D. Geekstein or something?)

Week 226:

If You Can Read This, Blame a Teacher
7/13/97 The newly ordained Dwarf of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to just do the job for which he is well paid by The Washington Post, and thank Mr. Russell Beland of Springfield for his fine contribution to today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are FREE THE FAERIE DEATH TO THE FOUL USURPER not eligible for prizes.)

Week 227:

No Matter How Big We Make This, Or How Many Words We Use, Some People Will Never See It. Don't Tell Them.
7/20/97 Today's Ear No One Reads was submitted by Mr. Russell Beland of Springfield, and is published through the auspices of The Faerie of the Fine Print and the Ear No One Reads Productions, Inc., featuring the zany antics of The Dwarf of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads Ltd., a wholly-owned subsidiary of DwarfEnterprises International.)

Week 228:

Sexy SWF Seeks ... Oops. Wrong Page.
7/27/97 Tell us how to best credit the author of The Ear No One Reads, which today was written by David Genser of Arlington.)

Week 229:

Edited by No. 7
8/3/97 Terse Ear Credit: Tom Witte, Gaithersburg. Next Week: Victorian Romance Ear Credit.)

Week 230:

Hasn't This One Been Printed Before?
8/10/97 "Russ...Russ Beland of Gaithersburg [sic]," she moaned, her hungry lips exploring his ear, "employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes." Next week: Sherlockian ear credit.)

Week 231:

Orioles 3, Ann Landers 1. No, Wait, That's Not Right.
8/17/97 "Attend, Watson, I hear a step on the stair and unless I am very much mistaken we shall soon have a visitor about whom I can deduce little other than the obvious facts that his name is Genser, and that he is a bearded man of modest stature, spare frame and fair hair, mild of manner, brisk of step, quick of wit, a man skilled in accountancy, who lives near a cemetery, has an infant child, a handsome wife, and a single, extraordinarily long ear. Beyond that, I fear I know nothing." Next week: Chandleresque Ear credit.)

Week 232:

If This Isn't Funny, Then Why Did They Print It?
8/24/97 Speaking of dumb, what about Beland? Beland, out of Springfield. He was dumb as they come, as dumb as a guy who has to testify against the mob, as dumb as a giraffe with a speech impediment, as dumb as a guy with three ears and no kisser. Next week: Mime ear credit.)

Week 233:

If You Don't Look Up Here, Would I Still Exist?
8/31/97 (David Genser, Arlington) Next week: Shakespearean ear credit.)

Week 234:

Edicion Ingles
9/7/97 Harken to the sounds upon the fen/'Tis the noble warble of the Tufted Genser. Next week: Ogden Nash ear credit.)

Week 235:

In a Previous Life, I Was a Hieroglyphic
9/14/97 (Jonathan Paul. That's all.) Next week: Emily Dickinson ear credit.)

Week 236:

Some Very Powerful People Don't Want You to Read This
9/21/97 How dreadful -- how like fear / I wax suspicious of / David Genser's ear. Next week: Socratic Ear Credit.)

Week 237:

How's My Editing? Call 202-334-4312
9/28/97 "If a man gives away his ear, Socrates, how then might he hear?" "A good question, Eucalyptus. Would an earless man have no way to comprehend speech?" "He might read the lips of those who speak." "Just so, Eucalyptus. And he would thus hear voice but be deaf to the language of the gods. He could hear not the leaves rustle, nor a bee land upon a flower." [Russel Beland, Springfield] (Next Week: Kornheiser Ear Kredit.))

Week 238:

Written By and For the Cultural Elite
10/5/97 What kind of a name is Genser, anyway? It sounds like something that might have a head full of pus! "Oy, I got such a nasty genser on my pupick." Next week: Hemingway Ear credit.)

Week 239:

I May Not Be Newsworthy, But at Least I'm Above the Fold
10/12/97 "Roy." "Yeah, Roy who?" "Roy Ashley," said the man pushing the mop. "Yeah? From where?" "Washington. Filthtown." "So what of it?" "The ear. He wrote it." "Yeah? What's it to me?" Next week: Faulkner Ear Credit. )

Week 240:

This Page Won't Turn Itself, Pal.
10/19/97 Jonathan was lean but not too lean, not spare so much as sparse, the sort of man who carried a brown leather wallet and would accept a ride from the sort of man who would name a horse Willie, (which is not to say a gentleman, though one might find such a man who might well be a gentleman notwithstanding) and who distinguished himself from the dumber though nobler species with a fancy surname, which is to say a last name, which in some cases may also be a first name, which might borrow shamelessly from the grandeur of a saint, which might be, as it happens in the instant case, Paul. Next week: Seinfeldian ear credit.)

Week 241:

This Is, Like, So Unprofessional
10/26/97 I drove through Gaithersburg the other day, met a guy with his name stitched over the breast pocket of his bib overalls. It said "Tom." I ask him if he knows where the mayor is. He says, "I *am* the mayor." [note: No "next week" here])

Week 242:

Escritando en Espanol Brokino, Por Your Comprehendismento Improvo
11/2/97 Correction: Because of a typographical error, last week's fine print neglected to indicate in which literary style this week's Ear Credit would be written. The credit for the ear, which was written by John Kammer of Herndon, Virginia, is written in the straight-ahead, humorless style of the Washington Post Page Two Correction Box. The Washington Post regrets the error. Next week: Chaucerian Ear Credit. )

Week 243:

Do Not Turn This Page Until Instructed by the Proctor
11/9/97 Beholde the eyre, ere ire are our heir / John Kammer pen'd it wolde fayr, e'er theyre. Next week: Biblical Ear Credit. )

Week 244:

Easier to Read Than Wittgenstein
11/16/97 And it came to pass that The Czar looked upon all that he had wrought, and he saw that it was Good. He smote the Faerie, and it was Good. He defied the Philistines, and it was Good. Now if he can just get out of the Garden of Elden. Next Week: Susan Faludi ear credit.)

Week 245:

Concise Dictionary: Aardvark, Zebra
11/23/97 Today's Ear, like all the Ears, was written by a man, Dick Furno of Silver Spring. The Ear is a boy's club. A fraternity of losers. Next week: Dave Barry Ear Credit.)

Week 246:

Translated From the French
11/30/97 Alert reader Ann Normansell of Charlottesville (motto: *We make Podunk seem like Paris*) sent in today's Ear No One Reads. Next week: Dr. Seuss Ear credit.)

Week 247:

Recommended For Families With 2.2 Children
12/7/97 In a land of the stupid, called Tickle-My-Ear / Lived a man whose dumbness was dumber, I fear / His neighbors were dense, but he was a lot denser / They called him David, old David Genser. Next Week: Agatha Christie ear credit.)

Week 248:

If You Were a Dead Fish, You'd Be Home By Now
12/14/97 What happened to the Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads? Let us recapitulate. The study was locked, with the key on the inside. All that was left behind was a pair of crutches that would fit a woman of remarkably small stature. [Sandra Hull, Arlington] Next week: Medical text ear credit.)

Week 249:

It Doesn't Get Any More Journalistic Than This
12/21/97 Blockage or dysfunction of the eustachian tube is believed to be the pathophysiologic basis for purulent discharge from the ear, suggesting labyrinthitis, fistulization and Beland's Syndrome, which causes extreme pouting and crankiness in adults. Next week: J.D. Salinger Ear Credit.)

Week 250:

As Foretold by Nostradamus
12/28/97 If you want to know the truth, today's crummy ear was written by John Kammer of Herndon, like anybody gives a crap. Next week: Hallmark card ear credit.)

Week 251:

Happy New Ear
1/4/98 To Witte, With Gravity / We give Comments Laudatory / A Mouth is a Cavity / An Ear Is Auditory. Happy New Year. Next Week: Style Invitational Ear Credit.)

Week 252:

Hey, Kids--Look What Adults Think Is Funny
1/11/98 We wish to thank (Stephen Buchanan, Mt. Airy) for today's Ear No One Reads and to simultaneously humiliate him by pointing out that his name and town are an anagram for "Ach, I Bathe My Unnerpants." Next week: Microsoft Ear Credit.)

Week 253:

Thank You For Not Suing Us
1/18/98 Kudos to Twitte@houdini.tc.army.mil who posted today's ear. Next week: Orwell ear credit. )

Week 254:

Please Read Metro First. It Makes Them Feel Needed.
1/25/98 The clock struck thirteen. Freedom is slavery. Love is hate. Genser wrote the ear. Next week: Ogden Nash ear credit.)

Week 255:

Ignore Cutesy Page Number. This Is Page 47.
2/1/98 The elephant's known for her nose / And not at all for her ear / Which this week is Dick Furno's / From Silver Spring, and here. Next Week: Hunter Thompson ear credit.)

Week 256:

Hi. I'll Be Your Newspaper Today.
2/8/98 So me and Jonathan were caroming through the zirconium night alight on ludes and pig snot we took through the ear and the Victorian mansions of Garrett Park were blurring past the windows, looking like giant malevolent sarcophaguses with mailboxes. Next Week: New York Times Ear Credit. )

Week 257:

To Avoid Ink on Hands, Turn Pages With Feet
2/15/98 The Page F1 "folio," or as it is colloquially known, the Ear No One Reads, was written by Ms. Sandra Hull of Arlington, Va., which is a suburb of Washington D.C. The very last Ear No One Reads, as you have come to know it, will appear on March 8. The Post's redesign will not accommodate an Ear where it currently exists. We are currently taking nominations for where the Ear can be moved. It must be somewhere in the Style section. It should be someplace equally obvious but equally overlookable. The person who relocates the Ear will win The Czar's personal Loser Pen, right from his pocket, engraved "The Czar." This offer will not be repeated. Good luck. Next week: Shakespearean Ear Credit.)

Week 258:

Lost Our Lease. Must Move Soon.
2/22/98 Dudzik cuts a fine figure, forsooth. Not long of ear so much as long of tooth. Next Week: Nostradamus ear credit. )

Week 259:

3/1/98 Forces of Satan will Stride forward from the burg of Gaither to smite the ear. Next Week:        )

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