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Ears No One Reads

yEar 3

 

Week 104:

Shh. Act as Though Nothing Is Wrong.
(3/12/95 no credit)

Week 105:

It Is a Federal Offense to Remove This Tagline
(3/19/95 no credit)

Week 106:

WARNING: DO NOT EAT THIS SECTION. DO NOT IMMERSE IN WATER. INHALING PAGES COULD CAUSE SUFFOCATION.
(3/26/95 no credit)

Week 107:

Le Journal Sans Aucune Pretension
(no credit 4/2/95)

Week 108:

Set your clock ahead one hour tonight. In the morning, set it back.
(4/9/95 no credit)

Week 109:

ETAOINSHRDLU
(4/16/95 no credit)

Week 110:

We Pander to No One, Not Even Our Wonderful Advertisers
(4/23/95 no credit)

Week 111:

Integrity First. We Are Not For Sale. Classifieds, Page F10.
(4/30/95 no credit )

Week 112:

We Respect All Our Readers, Even the Morons
(5/7/95 no credit)

Week 113:

Imus Be Mistaken
(no credit 5/14/95)

Week 114:

Fashion, Leisure and the Occasional Grisly Murder
(5/21/95 The Faerie of the Fine Print and The Ear No One Reads hereby solicits ideas for The Ear No One Reads, such as today's, written by Jacob Weinstein of McLean. Winning entrants receive their choice of 1) official mention in this column or, 2) dysentery.)

Week 115:

We're in Your Corner Every Week
(5/28/95 no credit)

Week 116:

Featuring Sequentially Numbered Pages
(6/4/95 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 117:

Lots of Ads Scattered Willy-Nilly, Plus Some That Are/Classified
(6/11/95 no credit)

Week 118:

Lift Here to Open
(6/18/95 Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Week 119:

We Know Who You Are and What You Are Reading
(Lori C. Fraind, Reston, 6/25/95)

Week 120:

Third Runner-Up, Edward R. Morrow Great Journalism Award
(7/2/95 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 121:

Featuring Many Fine Photos You Can Color Yourself
(7/9/95 John Kammer, Herndon)

Week 122:

Making the Outlook Section Look Like Real News
(7/16/95 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 123:

Perfect For Making Huge Origami Cranes
(7/23/95 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads would like to observe that we have begun getting tormented letters from people who don't know what The Ear No One Reads is and want to find out. We feel their pain.)

Week 124:

Serving Size: 1/2 Page. Servings Per Container: 16
(7/30/95 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 125:

You Think That Serrated Edge Up There Was Easy?
(8/6/95 Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Week 126:

Some Editions Printed With Incomplete
(8/13/95 Joseph Romm, Washington)

Week 127:

The Analog Version of Digital Ink
(8/20/95 Steven [sic] Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 128:

We're Trying as Hard as We Want
(8/27/95 Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills )

Week 129:

Featuring Fine Photos You Can Color Yourself
(9/3/95 John Kammer, Herndon. [Note: See July 9, 1995; Czar was on vacation, so things were kind of screwed up])

Week 130:

We Have Fonts We Haven't Even Used Yet
(9/10/95 Russell Beland)

Week 131:

This Week's Special Feature: Needlessly-Hyphenated Words
(9/17/95 Russell Beland, Springfield)

Week 132:

Wet Thumb Before Attempting to Smudge
(9/24/95 Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Week 133:

Humor/Fashion/The Occasional Terrorist Manifesto
(10/1/95 Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Week 134:

Warning: Lifting Photo Images With Silly Putty Is A Violation Of Copyright Law
(10/8/95 John Kammer, Herndon)

Week 135:

When I Grow Up, I Want to Be a Metro Section
(10/15/95 Russell Beland, Springfield)

Week 136:

The New York Times Would Never Do This
(10/22/95 Kitty Thuermer, Washington)

Week 137:

We Opalogize for the Inconvenients: There Is a Bug in Are Spelcheck
(10/29/95 Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Week 138:

Is There One Perfect "Ear" to End All Wars? Is This It?
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, 11/5/95)

Week 139:

No, the Comics Aren't Here, Either
(11/12/95 The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to commiserate once again with all those people who keep writing in, begging for information about The Ear No One Reads. Listen, folks. If we told you where it was, it would not be The Ear No One Reads, and American journalism might never recover. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks T. Meriwether Jones of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads, which is right where it always is and always has been and always will be forever and ever and ever. [Oh, yeah?])

Week 140:

No, This Isn't It Either. Keep Looking, You'll Find It One Day.
(11/19/95 Russell Beland, Springfield)

Week 141:

We Would Like to Apologize for Last Week's Ear
(11/26/95 Joseph Romm, Washington)

Week 142:

For Audio Version of The Post, Read Stories Out Loud
(12/3/95 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 143:

Coming Soon: Unabomber NFL Picks
(12/10/95 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 144:

You Can/Never/Have Enough/Slashes
(12/17/95 Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Week 145:

To Make an Origami Dog Ear, Fold This Corner Down
(12/24/95 Paul Styrene, Olney )

Week 146:

Roll Into Cone for Emergency Funnel
(12/31/95 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 147:

It's Lonely at the Top
(1/7/96 Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Week 148:

The 'Ear' Conspiracy -- Soon to Be an Oliver Stone Film
(1/14/96 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 149:

If Swallowed, Induce Vomiting
(1/21/96 Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Week 150:

Fashion/Personals/Classified
(1/28/96 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 151:

Fashion/Personals/Ears No One Reads/Classified
(2/4/96 The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads, and to clear up a little misunderstanding from last week. Dozens of readers called and wrote to compliment us on the transcendent brilliance of our Ear No One Reads. Ho ho. The incomparable genius of having an ear that did not appear to be funny. What a fabulous bit of existential humor! Well, it turns out that, late Saturday night, someone in the composing room heroically took it upon himself to change the Ear from something funny to something ordinary. We are not sure who did this. We are not sure why they did it. Lips have been sealed. Documents have been shredded. Suspicious suicides have been reported. We have turned this matter over to Bob Woodward, the World's Greatest Reporter, who will get to the bottom of it in a six-month investigation featuring clandestine interviews with sources so secret and powerful even they themselves do not know their true identity. More on this as it develops.)

Week 152:

Did You Know the World 'Gullible' Isn't in Any Dictionary?
(2/11/96 Jennifer Hart, Arlington )

Week 153:

FUF2,NI81,NU F1
(2/18/96 Ned Bent, Herndon. Also, we wish to thank several readers who called and wrote to point out that they checked, and contrary to last week's Ear, the word 'gullible' is indeed in the dictionary. Boy, are our faces red.)

Week 154:

Caution: Page Opens Out
(2/25/96 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 155:

The Flat Tax Will Get America Moving Again
(3/3/96 The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Malcolm S. Forbes Jr. of Bedminster, N.J., for today's Ear No One Reads, plus his generous financial contribution to the Style Invitational.)
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