New York Magazine
Competition

by Mary Ann Madden

Contest contents and commentary contributed courtesy of Jennifer Hart and Chris Doyle

Latest ResultsNew Competition1999 Loser Ink1998 Loser Ink1997 Loser InkMore browsing options
 

Results from Competition #971, #972, & #973
(July 14 issue)

NY Mag Editorís note: Mary Ann Madden has decided to stop creating New Yorkís Competition. This will therefore be its last appearance. The results below, for Competitions 971, 972, and 973, were selected by the editors. We thank Mary Ann for her unique and extraordinary contribution to the magazine, and her readers - some of whom have been entering since Competition 1 - for their creativity and devotion.
Results of #971, in which you were asked for label contents of an invented drug.
SAINT-JOHNíS HEMP - Treats mild reality. Side effect: "the munchies."
--Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va. Runner-up!

VALJEANIUM - Antidepressant. Side effects include increased appetite, especially for products containing starch - e.g., bread.
--Jan Verrey, Alexandria, Va.

THWART - Pre-emergent fungus fighter.
--Mary Olson, Springfield, Va.

VIBUPROFEN - For pain relief after excessive self-gratification.
--Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.
(No Loser ink for #972 or #973)
Congrats!

 

 

Competitions Seeing Loser Ink in 2000

  • Competition #970 (6/26 - 7/3 issue) ironic telephone exchange.
    "Hello? Anheuser-Busch?
    "Waaaaaassssuuuuuuuuupp!"
    --Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.

  • Competition #968 (5/29/00 issue) original names for a rap group.
    The Neoplatoneists
    -- John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland

    Dust II Dust
    -- Mary Olson, Springfield, Va.

    Puff Pastryz
    -- Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.

  • Competition #967 (5/15/00 issue) fables with a punned or mangled moral.
    Hans Holbein grew up on Germany's Baltic coast, where winters are brutally cold. His paintings are celebrated even today for evoking the warm glow of the hearth. To Germans, this makes sense: cold Hans, warm art.
    --Inger Pettygrove, Charlottesville, Va.

    Life was hard for Dolly the sheep after her birth in Scotland. Cast out by the herd, she roamed the hills uttering noisy bleats. As Dolly put it, "I wandered loudly as a clone."
    --Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.

  • Competition #966 (5/1/00 issue) fanciful provenances for a word beginning with the letter O.
    oops -- var. of F l'oupe, magnifying glass. A Parisian jeweler M. Beurredoigts dropped a gem and called for his glasses, "Oý sont mes oupes?"
    --Inger Pettygrove, Charlottesville, Va.

    odsbodkins -- fr. odds, chance + bodkin, stiletto. A mild oath expressing surprise, esp. in a serendipitous discovery. (First uttered in a game of Clue: "Odsbodkins! It's Mr. Green in the den with the dagger.")
    --Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.

  • Competition #964 (3/27/00 issue) epitaphs for well-known persons.
    REQUIESCATS
    ----Chris Doyle, Burke, Va. - WINNER!

    WHO WANTS TO BURY A MULTIMILLIONAIRE?
    --Mary Ellen Olson, Falls Church, Va.

  • Competition #961 (2/28/00 issue) group name for a person or thing
    A CLUTCH OF HEART ATTACKS
    --Sandra Hull, Arlington, Va.

    AN EXTRA RATION OF OXYMORONS
    --Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.

    A PROPOS OF NOTHING
    --Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va. (The same entry he submitted three years ago and got an HM for.)

    A ROUX OF CHEFS
    --Sarah Gaymon, Gambrills, Md.

    A FLATUS OF PUNDITS
    --similarly: Tanya Ringland, Chevy Chase, Md. (aka Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.)

  • Competition #959 (2/7/00 issue) original "swifties."
    "I think Iíve discovered an NFL-caliber player," the recruiter exclaimed profoundly.
    --Emma Tombaugh, Scotch Plains, N.J. (aka Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.) - RUNNER UP!

    "Bo, youíre so fired," he said candidly.
    --Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.

  • Competition #958 (1/24/00 issue) title for an "Authorized Autobiography"
    TROPHY, ATROPHY - The Odyssey of a Professional Athlete
    --Tom Witte, Gaithersburg, Md.

    GIVE ME THE DAMN PATERNITY TEST - Off-the-Field Exploits of an NFL Star
    --Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.

    TOY BOAT TOY BOAT TOY BOAT - Confessions of a Warped Speech Therapist
    --Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md

  • Competition #957 (1/17/00 issue) childrenís-book titles.
    MY GOD IS BETTER THAN YOUR GOD
    -- Dave Ferry, Leesburg, Va

    MEIN SUMMER KAMPF
    -- Margaret Scollard, Potomac, Md (aka Meg Sullivan)

    PUSS IN CEMENT SHOES
    -- Jan Verrey, Alexandria, Va

    YOUR VERY FIRST CIGARETTE
    -- Emma Tombaugh, Scotch Plains, N.J. (aka Stephen Dudzik)

    BILLYíS ADVENTURES IN MR. CLOWNíS BLACK VAN
    -- Sidney Tombaugh, Maplewood, N.J. (aka Stephen Dudzik)

    FEAR AND LOATHING AT FAO SCHWARZ
    -- Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.

    HOW MANY BUTTONS FIT IN YOUR NOSE?
    -- Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, Md.

    AS LONG AS THE CHECK CLEARS, NANNY WILL LOVE YOU
    -- Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.

  • Competition #956 (1/3/00 issue) a punning definition applied to an altered familiar name.
    PINK FREUD -- rock group therapist: "Sometimes a guitar is only a guitar."
    -- Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.

    SAMUEL CLEMENCY -- author of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Courtroom
    -- Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.

     

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